Conversations Heard In Our House Tonight

So it's been a while since I posted "Things Heard in Our House Tonight,"  and those posts have obviously been missed.  At least by me.  Tonight's edition will be a sequel- a brother- a cousin, if you will- to the typical "things heard."  It will contain riveting conversations. And by riveting I mean mildly amusing to a small portion of the population (on a good day).

Me: "Tongs! Tongs! Tongs!"
[Cabbage grabbing tongs and following the line of my pointed finger]
[Cabbage picking up disgusting, invasive, ill-fated scorpion with said tongs]
[Squishing of scorpion]
Cabbage, to scorpion: "How do you like me now?  You wanna come in our house again?"
Scorpion: No response.

Me: "Baby, do you want ice cream?"
Beep: "No thank you."
Me: "Would you like a cookie?"
Beep: "No thank you."
Me, to the room in general: "I brought home the wrong baby."

Me: "I bought these new cookies tonight."
Cabbage: "Oh, good.  What kind are they?"
Me: "Keebler Coconut Dreams."  Mmmsnarfscarfmunchmunch.
Cabbage: "Let me try a bite."
[bite]
Cabbage: "Those aren't very good.  They need more testing." Mmmsnarfscarfmunchmunch.

Me: "There is a huuuuuge baby in here." [pointing at 32+ week belly squirming with baby]
Cabbage: "Noooo.  There's a cute little baby in that cute little belly."
Me: "H.U.G.E. Baby. Huge.  There's not enough room for both of us in here."
Cabbage: "It's little."
Me, motioning from chest to groin: "This?  Is ALL baby, my friend.  ALL BABY."
Cabbage: "Little."
Me: "Stretch marks.  Heartburn.  Cantbendover.  Cankles.  Not little.  Big."

Me: "Ni-night, Baby.  I love you."
Beep: "I love you, Mama."
Me, a minute later to Cabbage: "I love our baby girl so much."
Cabbage: "She's something, isn't she?"
Me: "Yeah... Maybe we should've stopped while we were ahead."
Unborn baby: [cackling with glee and rubbing tiny hands together in anticipation of havoc yet to be wreaked]

Things Heard in Our House Tonight: Yuletide Edition

Yes, we do actually have to watch this.  Let me explain this.  It's our obligation to watch stupid made-for-tv Christmas movies.  And they can only have two themes: some spin on A Christmas Story or two people about to marry the wrong person, finding each other on Christmas Eve. 

Oooohhh! Piddy!

What exactly were we thinking when we picked out this tree? 

It looks fine.  Just keep putting ornaments on it.

Whoever the hell invented popcorn ceilings should be taken out back and beaten. 

Are you the biggest, baddest dog?  Will you bite em for me?  Atta girl.  You're mean.  Mean. 

Man, this is the best pizza you ever made.

You say that every time.

Yes, and it's true every time.

I love egg nog.  Just don't remind me it's got raw-ish eggs in it or I'll gag.

Merry Chistmahanuschwanzakah.  That should cover it.



Things Heard In Our House Tonight, Revisited

I seriously hate it when people say Chipol-TE.  It's Chipot-LE.  And she's a chef!  That just makes me angry.

That toad scared the crap outta me.  You know, because I thought it was a snake.

This is your best pizza ever.
Thanks, I like it, too.  I guess it helps when I follow the recipe.

Beep, my left arm is about to fall off.  At least I think it is- it's actually pretty numb from holding you all night.

Feed the deer, Baby.

Are you cutting Mama's toenails?  What a nice baby.

Remember that guy we met a few years ago on the porch at that place?  He's dead now.

How come the very horse we just saved by spending THOUSANDS of dollars on gut surgery is the one eating tree bark?

I think that woman was on the verge of robbing me.  Don't worry, though- I was ready to knock her out.

I'm headed for the shower.  I'm so gross I'm taking a dobie pad instead of a washcloth.

I can't tell what kind of snake it is.  It's like I can't get the sleep outta my eyes.
Maybe you need to clean your glasses.

Moremoremoremore cheese.  Please. ["more" and "please" in sign language]

Night, sweet baby.  Call me if you need me. 
Mama loves you.

Things Heard in Our House Tonight

Oh, I'd like to eat about ten pounds of lobster right now.

How do you like how I single handedly crashed the housing market today?

Please don't eat that dog poop.

Don't they know if you say literally, it means it's actually going to happen?  Response: Then watch, cuz he's about to blow up.

Oh, you uptight sonuvab*tch, go write another article. [Directed at the tv]

I wish I had a Bloomin Onion.

Is that the guy with the pegleg? [ok, not really.  I just thought it fit in]

I love you, Baby. Ni-night.